I'd like to have my say

Today I tried to fix the impossible mess in my room but instead of organising everything and throwing away the stuff I don't need anymore I found my IB diploma programme textbooks and files and became all sentimental and nostalgic again. We WERE actually working. it doesn't mean that I wasn't lazy as hell and that I didn't prepare everything the very last moment, but I knew why I was doing that and was at least a gramm more ambitious. On contrary today I have loads of free time and I don't do anyhting. I could have done this and that, could have gone here and there, but no, even if I'm out I try to be back home as early as possible. I never check the theaters, I always want to see the new movies but never manage to bring myself to the cinema, I want to know new things but I do nothing to find it out. What kind of lifestyle is that? I dig for new music, yeah and always get so fucking stuck on the internet that forget that I wanted to download the whole oasis and the smiths discography and listen to the new bands I just heard about. I just waste my time and no one seems to believe that I'm such a looser. All they say is: oh we don't believe that. you? a lazy unambitious girl? no way. Others neither say anything  too flattering nor support me. Only my parents alwasys have those long discussions with me blamimg me for all those mistakes I admit. They are almost always right, yet I'm incapable of finding a way out of this. Yes one reason for my lack of interest in anything is in a way my socialising problems, people either don't want to socialise, or make our relationship a stupid intellectual competition (and that's where my flaws show) or just say how clever and wonderfull I am and how hard it is for them to keep in line with me. this is unbearable. and even now, what am I doing? Writing in a stupid blog for people to see and feel sorry or to laugh - it is pathetic, my darling.